Dang Dumpsters

Well I was sitting at home this morning...watching Spongebob and trying to figure out exactly how they started that fire under water...when I suddenly decided that I needed a bag of Doritos and a bottle of Diet Sprite...I'm not that crazy about Diet Sprite, but I needed something healthy to offset the Doritos...You know how it works.

So on my way back from Wally World, I spotted an Alabama fan having car trouble in the parking lot of a local alcohol rehab center...not to mention he was staggering a little bit...Naturally, I pulled in to help out a fellow football fan...

Ok, I can't lie...I whipped in the parking lot to point and laugh at the poor fool.

Well, I guess I whipped in a little too fast, because I lost control and slammed into a huge dumpster...To make matters worse, I didn't have any insurance on my new car and the bag of Doritos was smashed all to heck....Then later on, after finally making it home, I opened the Sprite and it sprayed all over my favorite Captain Caveman t-shirt...the one that says "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" across the front.

At least I wasn't seriously injured...Although, I do have a terrible headache and I'm pretty sure I have a bone in my left leg.

Here is a picture I snapped of the aftermath...It's fairly graphic and may be hard to look at, but just keep in mind that everyone walked away!

Mowing My Scalp

Don't you love grass? It grows...you mow it down...it grows...you mow it down...if it stops growing, you buy fertilizer to make it grow...then you mow it down...if you don't have any grass at all, you buy a load of sod...you lay the sod...you water the sod...and then...you mow it down.

It's the same with thing with hair. Some guys will spend thousands of dollars to get a full head of hair. Then they will pay a barber good money to cut it off.

I shave my head...I usually do it every couple of days..It's quick and painless...well...it's painless most of the time. There was one instance in which I was taking a late night bath and decided to go for a quick head shave at the last minute. Evidently, I was either partially sleep or just not very accurate, because I ended up a bloody mess. If someone had walked in and saw the water in my tub, they'd have sworn that "Jaws" had just claimed another victim...they'd have also screamed and told me to put my clothes on...but back to my original point..

I shave my head because it feels good, especially in the summer time..it's easy to maintain...it's quick to clean...I never have to pay to have it whacked off (a barber would starve to death if he depended on my business)...and maybe most importantly, no one will ever know if I naturally lose all my hair...Yes, there's great dignity in voluntarily being bald...I'll never be that pitiful guy with three strands of hair combed over an otherwise bare scalp, trying to hide his shame.

Some women like guys with shaved heads...Of course, some don't...I guess I can understand the ones who don't. I don't particularly care for a bald headed girls, either.

I once went out with a girl who informed me rather quickly that she "couldn't stand" a shaved head...That's not a promising thing for a bald guy to hear on a date...She did, however, express her sincere appreciation that I didn't wear my Hooters cap to dinner...I guess that would have been in bad taste...To make things worse, we had just ordered our food, so I was already committed to paying the bill.

Actually, she's a very sweet girl...I just hope that when I see her again, I'm wearing my Hooters cap and Coyote Ugly t-shirt, for good measure.

All in all, baldness is a wonderful thing...Some great people throughout history have been bald...Jesse Ventura...Mr. Clean...George Foreman, in his later years..Daddy Warbucks...along with many others...Plus, our number one symbol of pride and strength in this country is the majestic bald eagle.

So shave it off...be proud...and laugh every time you see a ridiculous "Hair Club For Men" commercial.

Flight of the Tide

So an Alabama fan gets on a plane...the flight is suppose to take 2 hours...After taking off, the pilot's voice comes on and informs the passengers that an engine has quit...He says not to worry though, because there are 2 others that work fine...The flight will just take an hour longer than normal.

A while later, the pilot comes back on and says that a second engine has gone down, but there's still no need to panic...The flight will just be delayed another hour.

The Alabama fan looks at the guy next to him and says "Man, we better hope that other engine doesn't blow up. We'd be up here all day."

Todd's Random Thoughts on Ole Miss Football

- I really don't like typing the words "Ole Miss", because it makes me feel dirty...From now on, I'll refer to it as "old mess football".

- Most Mississippi State fans realize that we are underdogs in the SEC...However, most old mess football fans have somehow been disillusioned into thinking their team is an NCAA power house...Poor fools.

- Old mess football has never made it to the SEC Championship game in Atlanta.

- Old mess football has never won the SEC Western Division crown.

- Even during Eli Manning's senior season, old mess football failed to win a title....Mississippi State won the west and made the trip to Atlanta with Wayne Madkin as quarterback...and Wayne isn't even Archie's baby boy.

- I'm not convinced that Johnny Vaught was a great coach, but he sure had a knack for scheduling....Trinity, Hardin-Simmons, Suwanee, Chattanooga...Just grab two conference wins and you're well on your way to becoming the greatest coach in school history...I like it.

- What the heck was old mess thinking when they hired Ed Orgeron?

- I cried the day old mess football fired Ed Orgeron...seriously...real tears.

- How did old mess football go winless in the conference in 2007? Heck, MSU lost to Maine a few years ago, but still managed to knock off Florida and Kentucky.

- I sure do miss Ed Orgeron.

- Old mess football has always had players who've gotten trouble with the law, but that happens with every program...The only difference is that old mess football players are usually driving a Cadillac Escalade when they get pulled over.

- Old mess football has proven that Cadillac Escalades can't bring you true happiness...or a trip to Atlanta.

- Speaking of Cadillac Escalades, I wonder how the old mess football alums felt when they realized they could've ditched the vehicles and lured in their recruits with pillows and clock radios? Talk about a waste of money.

- Some old mess football fans believe they can win an SEC title in '09....When that happens, I will personally load up every one of them in my truck and we'll all drive down to watch Hell freeze over.

- This is totally unrelated to old mess football, but I heard that an MSU graduate has made a ton of cash selling clock radio tie-downs to hotel chains.

- I recently heard a rumor that an old mess football player clogged up the toliet in the locker room and shouted "Houston, we have a problem!"....Ok, I made that one up...but it would be hilarious if it happened.

- I once applied to be an assistant coach for old mess football...I sent my resume to Houston Nutt using the alias "Dallas Gonad"....He didn't fall for it...Coach O would have fallen for it.

- I sure do miss Ed Orgeron.

- Ed Orgeron always had that look in his eye...that look that let you know he didn't have a clue as to what was going, but he was excited about it, nonetheless.

- I heard that Ed Orgeron actually did build that fence around Memphis before his unfortunate termination, but a Cadillac Escalade full of old mess football players accidentally crashed through it....Once again, just a rumor.

- I could never really criticize Tommy Tubberville when he was the old mess football coach...besides making fun of his unusually large ears...because Tubbs really can coach.

- I cried the day Tommy Tuberville left old mess football...but those tears were the happy kind.

- The first time I saw David Cutcliffe, my first instinct was to call Andy and inform him that Barney had left the key hanging too close to the cell again...Then I realized that this guy wasn't drunk.

- The second time I saw David Cutcliffe, he mentioned something about taking the Rebels to Atlanta....I decided that maybe he'd been drinking a little after all.

- Coach O would take a drink.

- Can you imagine trying to understand a drunk Ed Orgeron?

- Man, I should have made written an entirely separate column on this guy.

- Check out toddmccarty.blogspot.com in the future for "Todd's Random Thoughts on Ed Orgeron".

- You know, in a perfect world, old mess football would actually be a roll of toilet paper...Then I could use it to wipe my......

Crosswords and Receivers

So I was lying on the couch last night, watching King Of the Hill and munching on a 100 calorie snack pack of Chex Mix, when my cell phone rang. It was none other my good friend and Mississippi State head football coach, Dan Mullen...Turns out, Coach was working a crossword puzzle and needed a seven letter word for "overrated". I told him to try Ole Miss and Alabama. Both would fit, it was just a matter of figuring out which one would coincide with #3 down, which was "Tuberville" (a ten letter word for "large eared mammal")....To make a long story short, the B's lined up and, sure enough, the answer was Alabama.

However, as is usually the case with these calls, Coach Mullen had more on his mind than just the crossword puzzle. He was worried about his freshman receiver from Tupelo, Chad Bumphis. After hurting his foot in practice, Chad has been slowed for a week and Coach was wondering if he would still be ready to make an immediate impact by the Jackson State game. I assured him that everything would be fine...I've seen Bumphis play. He could hop on one foot and still find the end zone faster than Brett Favre can come out of retirement...This made Coach feel a lot better.

I promised to come down before the weekend was over and help the staff review film of Saturday's scrimmage...Then I told him to stop worrying and get back to his puzzle...He's just having those "new head coach jitters"...He'll be ok.

Todd's Random Thoughts From The Gym

- Exercise isn't fun...I know it's easy to get pumped up while watching The Biggest Loser, but reality isn't nearly as exciting as reality television.

- I never thought someone would want to be called "The Biggest Loser".

- It's always nice when you aren't the biggest person in the gym...It's even better when there are numerous people in the gym who are bigger than you are. In this case, you actually begin to feel a little sexy.

- If you ARE the biggest person in the gym, go home and come back later....The skinny people will not serve as motivation. Seeing them run on the treadmill will only make you feel slow.

- Fight the urge to knock the skinny people off their treadmill....The gym probably has video surveillance.

- Don't stop for a burger on the way home.

- I wish I was "The Biggest Loser".

- Speaking of treadmills, I'd like to find the person who decided to add on the little tv...I would kiss their feet...repeatedly.

- If you happen to have the gym to yourself, don't get carried away and attempt to run 10 mph on the treadmill...Once again, they probably have video surveillance...You don't want to end up on the highlights reel at the staff Christmas party.

- I can't believe Everyone hasn't figured this out, but let me make it clear...A CRUNCH IS NOTHING MORE THAN A FAILED ATTEMPT AT A SIT UP! Nowadays, they say a crunch is the best way to flatten your belly...Well, I'm fairly certain I invented the crunch back in the 7th grade, but the gym teacher called me fat and said I wasn't leaving until I did a sit up...I guess I was ahead of my time.

- Crunches are easy to do, but they sure can hurt after a while...Not to mention the fact that I feel ashamed for getting away with a failed sit up...But hey, you can't argue with the experts.

- Exercise is not fun.

- I really hate it when someone smaller than me walks up and takes it upon themselves to give me training tips...They are just trying to compensate for their own insecurities.

- If you are feeling down, maybe a little insecure, try finding someone bigger than yourself and offering them a few helpful workout tips...You'll feel a lot better and you'll be helping out a fellow gymmate!

- Once you are finished with a weight machine, adjust it to the maximum weight before you leave...That way, the next person will think you are much stronger than you actually are.

- I've discovered that you shouldn't get on a treadmill beside someone who looks like they could walk all night...The fact is, they may indeed walk all night...and you will feel like a loser when you stop and they are still going just as strong as they were when you started.

- Don't stare too hard at the really big people....They may get offended.

- Don't stare too hard at the really good looking people...They may get offended.

- and remember...exercise is not fun.